You Don’t Have to Code Switch Anymore

“I’m Tired of Pretending…”

Derrick is 47. Divorced. Father of two.

On paper, he’s made it—senior manager at a Fortune 500, respected in the community, suits tailored just right. People call him “solid,” “a provider,” “a real one.”

But behind closed doors?

He drinks more than he admits.

He hasn’t slept through the night in months.

And there are days he doesn’t say more than 50 words that reflect how he feels.

“I’m tired,” he told me.

“Not just physically tired. Soul tired. From always having to adjust, code-switch, keep my cool, and smile even when I want to scream. I feel invisible in places I’ve earned the right to be seen.”

Derrick isn’t alone.

The Hidden Epidemic Among Midlife Black Men

70% of Black men say they regularly feel emotionally unsupported, even by people closest to them.

1 in 3 Black men over 40 struggles with chronic stress, but most never name it.

And when it comes to mental health?

Less than 26% of Black men with diagnosable mental health conditions receive care.

Why?

Because silence has been taught as strength.

Because being “the strong Black man” means never cracking, never crying, never admitting you’re not okay.

But all that suppression? It doesn’t disappear.

It morphs into anxiety, anger, disconnection, and over time... disease.

What the Stress Is Costing Us

According to the American Heart Association, Black men are 30% more likely to die of heart disease, often triggered by unmanaged chronic stress.

Black men also lead in hypertension, diabetes, and stroke risk. That’s not genetics. That’s pressure.

Pressure to perform.

Pressure to provide.

Pressure to be perfect, in rooms that still see you as less than.

And the relational fallout?

We begin withdrawing.

Our partners feel the emotional wall we put up.

Our kids don’t see our softness.

Our friendships stay surface-level.

We become respected. But not known.

We feel needed. But not nurtured.

You Deserve More Than Survival

Let me say this plainly:

You are not weak for being tired.

You are not broken for needing rest, love, or help.

And you are not alone.

We’ve spent years trying to be what the world expected of us, only to lose sight of what we expected from ourselves.

But midlife isn’t the end.

It’s the turning point.

The place where we stop performing and start becoming.

How You Begin to Reclaim Yourself

Let’s make it real. Here's how to start showing up more fully, without apology:

1. Have the Hard Conversation—with Yourself First

Ask: Who do I really want to be? What parts of me am I hiding just to feel safe or accepted?

2. Stop People-Pleasing to Stay Comfortable

When you stop shrinking to avoid discomfort, you gain room to grow into your full self.

3. Name What You’re Feeling

You’re not “just tired.” You might be grieving. Angry. Afraid.

Give your emotions language—because what you don’t name will own you.

4. Get in the Room with Other Real Ones

Isolation is a killer. Community is the cure.

Find or build spaces with brothers who can hold your truth without judging it.

5. Protect Your Peace Like It's Your Life—Because It Is

Chronic stress isn’t just annoying. It’s fatal. Reclaim your breath, your joy, your boundaries.

Real Talk: You Can’t Keep Carrying This Alone

Remember Derrick?

He finally took off the mask.

He joined a men’s group. Started therapy. Repaired his bond with his son.

And you know what he told me?

“It feels good to be seen without having to be perfect.”

You deserve that too.

You don’t need permission.

You just need the courage to choose you.

✊🏽 Final Word

We’ve been conditioned to endure—but not to thrive.

It’s time to shift that.

To move from survival mode to self-mode.

From invisibility to authenticity.

From people-pleasing to soul-pleasing.

Because power doesn’t come from pretending.

It comes from presence.

📣 Your Next Step:

Ready to stop performing and start becoming?

📩 DM me the word "BROTHERHOOD" to explore coaching or join our private circle for midlife Black men.

A space where you don’t have to shrink.

Where healing, power, and joy aren’t just possible—they’re the expectation.

See you at the top!

Coach Wayne, The VIP Coach

Helping Black men 40+ regain control, clarity, and confidence personally and professionally.

For weekly tips and insights on improving your midlife experiences professionally and personally, listen to my weekly podcast, Midlife Revolution Unleashed, on your favorite podcast channel.